To Match or not to Match: An Inside Look at Internet Dating

In my personal experience, there does not seem to be a middle ground with regard to online dating—it either works, or it doesn’t. I have never heard someone say, “Well, I didn’t meet anyone special on Match.com, but it was an enriching experience, nonetheless, and I’m so glad I took the risk,” and I doubt I ever will. And yet, if I know it’s a frustrating process and there’s an excellent chance I will not meet the man I’m going to marry, why have I spent the money to join?

I truly believe in the theory that dating is a numbers game. The more one puts him or herself on the “scene,” the greater the chance of clicking with someone. And the sheer design of many internet dating sites does get one’s picture/profile in front of many people. I have been a member of both Match.com and Jdate (the Jewish dating site), and they allow their members to browse through as many profiles as they wish. There is no rigid format for contact, and I’ve been able to email or send casual “flirts” (corny, quirky come-ons that are concocted by the staff) to as many men as I want at any time. What I’ve liked about these sites is that I’m in control of how I want to go about talking to someone and/or meeting him.

Ironically enough, however, the benefits of being able to contact anyone you like can also be a drawback. There seems to be a general consensus among Edaters that rarely do the people we contact and write to write us back. No matter how much you connect with someone on paper, regardless of whether or not you meet each others’ height requirements and other inane physical attributes, and even if you have both just completed Dante’s Inferno and are looking to have a reading group duet, when you throw the stone do not expect a dent on the other party’s computer screen. This “rejection” can feel unbearably frustrating and rather mind-blowing considering how perfect you may seem for each other (even though the two of you have never actually met, and for all you know, may have even been conversing with a 10 year-old in Alaska who’s an internet prodigy).

On the flip side, there have been men who have written me who are grossly inappropriate with their behavior and/or compatibility. I received an email from a man on Match once complimenting my photos and then asking me if I shaved my ARMPITS because he found women with armpit hair SEXY. Deleted! I later found out that a friend of mine who was matching as well received a similar email from the same person. I am not making this up, folks.

Not surprisingly, the best dating advice I ever received was from my mom. She is a beautiful, intelligent middle-aged widow of ten years and met her current beau, my future stepdad, on Jdate. He is a fantastic man, but she dated many men over the years until she found the right person and always gave me an interesting perspective on the Edating scene. In reality, she has high standards for men, as do I, but she always ventured a chance with anyone who met her minimal age, height (she’s tall) and education requirements—as long as the man didn’t look like a serial killer. She never even bothered to read what they wrote since she felt most of it was made-up to sound good anyway. “Don’t get excited until you actually meet the guy, Suzanne,” she would always tell me (I learned this truth the hard way). Meeting in-person is the way to go, as long as a phone call goes reasonably well. Of course, there was a guy who told her he was living in a small rented room cluttered with his collection of electric trains. He never even got to go on a coffee date with her.

Speaking of oddballs, about a year ago, a close friend of mine started receiving bizarre emails from an older man on Jdate. She told him she wasn’t interested, but he kept writing her messages with explicit, sexual comments. When she began ignoring him, his friend actually had the gall to contact her and plead with her to give him a chance. I encouraged her to report them, and I believe she did, and that was the end of it, but it was a disturbing experience and led to her canceling her subscription.

Now don’t get me wrong--most people are not this crazy and weird. There are not many middle-aged men who live in rooms surrounded by electronic trains, and most women and men I know who have joined these sites are not harassed. I actually HAVE met many lovely people online, even if it didn’t lead to anything long-term, and I’ve had sweet, respectful, thoughtful men reach out to me.

Nonetheless, internet dating can be very stressful, so if you aren’t interested in belonging to a site where your information is open to hundreds of people, EHarmony could be a good way to go. Personally, I have never tried it, but I have friends who have, and they seem to like the fact that there is someone in the Ethersphere doing the work to set them up. This design diminishes the chance of harassment and annoying, persistent emails and IMs.

Please keep in mind that whatever site works best for you, even if it’s not one mentioned here, for there are many, people are not profiles. Chemistry on paper, via the phone or through emails does not necessarily guarantee chemistry in person, hence my mother’s encouragement to hold out on all wedding plans until you have face to face contact. And conversely, if someone is shy over the phone or doesn’t have the most attractive picture posted, he or she may be quite good-looking and extroverted in person. The simple truth is that one never knows. You don’t know until you meet someone if there is you weren’t warned.TRULY a connection. Don’t be too hasty to dismiss anybody nor should you base your interest on looks or “annual income” alone; we all know that’s a tiny part of any lasting relationship anyway. What people write is inconsequential, for it may not even be truthful.

Will you meet your next boyfriend online? Is your future wife swimming through the internet dating pool as you’re reading this? Maybe, maybe not. I know people with horror stories and ones who are madly in love with partners they met through an internet dating site. It’s worth the money to try. But if a man emails you that he’s attracted to women who don’t shave their pits, or if someone IMs you at 12 a.m. whom you have never met and wants to come over in his pajamas for a slumber party, don’t say you weren't warned.

Dawson-Boyd

It's time for a Seuss update. This past week was a true mid-west adventure. Three long travel days through Ohio, Wisconsin, et al, landing us in St. Paul, Minnesota on Wednesday night. I hadn't been west (REALLY west) in a while so it was a reminder to me of how progressive the east coast is. However, this part of the country has a certain charm and a definite calm one doesn't get in New York. Perhaps it's a result of miles upon miles of farmland and cows. Who knows?

Moreover, I will say that Super 8s are actually quite decent and accomodating "hotels," and Starbucks has become quite popular among many Highway rest areas (though not in Iowa, but that's no surprise).

However, the best part of this week for me has been our travels through and in Minnesota. Wednesday night, in Minneapolis, we checked out a yummy Italian restaurant called Lorino Pasta Bar, which I highly recommend. The restaurant has a massive Saloon feeling and sports a metropolitan, western, kitchy and creative ambiance. And fantastic food, which is a nice bonus. Afterwards, our cast mate and dance captain took us on a driving tour through the city. The only bad part of Minneapolis was that we weren't there for more than a day.

After our performance on Thursday morning we hit the road toward Dawson, MN but had to stay overnight in the middle of farmland. Literally. At various times throughout this drive, I felt as if I were in a horror film. It was slightly scary and rather exhilarating at the same time. THIS was it; REAL American farmland. The middle of the country, as far from the daily stress of New York as one could get. There was nowhere to get food that night except a random grocery store around the corner. I got yogurt and cottage cheese.

So, the next morning we embark to Dawson, MN to perform at a school, which I believe was a middle school and a high school. The students and adults at the school were beyond lovely and helpful and excited to have us. The drama department teenagers told us it was the best show they have ever seen (which was flattering and weird at the same time). Apparently the town of Dawson has about 1500 people and the one next to it, Boyd, has about 5 or 600, so they were combined to make Dawson-Boyd.

There was an adorable coffee shop on the main strip, a street that appeared to me to have popped out of Waiting for Guffman. I couldn't have been happier. The rain made the whole experience magical. I felt cozy, at peace and had amazing chili at the diner.

Upon leaving this town we traveled to Okoboji, IA, which was boring enough, but there was a Super Wal-Mart across the street which made us all ecstatic. Unless, one has experienced a Wal- Mart with a food section in the middle of America, there's no point in getting into detail. It's simply religious and inspiring.

We are currently in Waukegan, IL. Traveled here yesterday and have had the day off today. Unfortunately, I went to the doctor today to find out that I have laryngitis. I spent half my day off at a clinic, but I got to read my trashy romance novel which is AMAZING, so it made the waiting around more bearable.

We perform tomorrow morning at the Genesee Theatre here in Waukegan and then head into Hyde Park, Chicago. I'm excited to go to the aquarium and the Art Institute this week. Fish and paintings--what could be better?

Seuss on the Loose

I should have started my tour blog a few weeks ago, but better late than never! We are in the third week of the Seussical the Musical tour and so far, there are some pretty funny stories to relate!

For starters, kids are ridiculous. At an elementary school in Maryland, the stage in the gym was too small for our show so we performed on the gym floor. The front row was pre-k, and I just couldn't stop laughing at their faces. At one moment there was an adorable little boy imitating the monkeys with his arms. I can't remember what it's like to be a child absorbing a show at that age. I wonder what they understand, what their eyes are drawn to and why. Are they transfixed on my purple tights and green leopard skort or are they really rooting for Horton to fall in love with Gertrude?

My fondest memory of the younger species thus far has been at another location in MD where there were a pair of what appeared to be 3 year-olds sitting in the front row with orange t-shirts; one said Thing 1, the other Thing 2. I couldn't resist glimpsing at them every chance I got. They were so attentive and didn't move for the entire hour. I can't even do that at a show.

I haven't toured in a few years, but there are some things that just don't change. EVERYTHING is cheaper outside of the greater NY area. Yogurts are still 50 cents in random supermarkets across the country. The Hometown Restaurant in the middle of Pennsylvania has six dollar wraps, including fries. Mr. G's restaurant near White River Junction, VT was barely populated until our cast entered, and yet, they were still slow as a turtle with service, but cheap, and the food was still good, surprisingly enough.

I'm sure you will all be happy to know that white trash America still exists and is, for better or worse, still populating and thriving; especially at Econolodges and Quality Inns.

Most amusing, though, is my experience at a gas station in VA. I was inside the market at the register and a low life guy with gold teeth and tattoos all over his arms wanted to get together with me. I was friendly enough and was bordering between exasperation and laughing in his face when he asked if he could give me his number. I said ok, and made a mad dash to the van, where apparently, the cast thought I was trying to give HIM my number. This is how rumors get started.

Tune in soon for more updates and anecdotes from the road!!!!

A Tragic Beginning to a Happy New Year

I was very touched this morning to read the following, from cnn.com:

The family of Le's fiance, Jonathan Widawsky, released a statement Thursday through their synagogue, Temple Beth El in Huntington, New York.

"We share in the grief of the family of Annie Le and are, collectively, doing our best to deal with our tragic loss," the statement said. "... We want to thank all those who have been involved in our preparations for a wedding that was not to be for their quiet understanding."

The Widawskys said they will not be attending religious services in the future "in order to facilitate the safety, security and sensitivity of High Holiday services at our temple ... it is a difficult time, and we ask that you allow our fellow congregants, in this holiest of seasons, to pray in peace. And we ask that you pray for the soul of Annie Le, and for healing, for her family, for Jonathan and for our family."

The family requested privacy "for the moment," but added, "Annie will live in our hearts forever."

Cantor Sandra Sherry forwarded the statement to media outlets, noting that "we are entering our holiest season from Rosh Hashanah through Yom Kippur, known as the Days of Awe."

Sherry said she would have officiated at Le and Widawsky's wedding.

As a Jew, I find something very ironic, poignant and bittersweet about these statements and the timing of Ms. Le's murder. As the cantor from Temple Beth El stated, these holidays are the most reverent in the Jewish calendar. They encourage reflection, introspection, repentance. And because of the nature of the New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), I have, in the past, focused mainly on myself, how to be happier, how to achieve my goals, how to be a better daughter and be nicer to my brother.

However, I never seem to focus on compassion. Being a good person is different. Most of us strive to the "right" thing by society's standards, but true compassion comes from within someone's soul and is a gift. It is the desire to not want others to suffer the way we have because we can feel their pain.

I consider myself a deeply compassionate and sensitive person. Nevertheless, during the High Holidays for some reason, those traits aren't at the forefront in my mind. My mind is counting the minutes until I leave the synagogue, checking off people in my mind that I should be nicer to this year, and honestly, trying not to fall asleep (though plenty around me already are).

The recent murder at Yale has made me feel that perhaps we have it wrong. It's not only about asking God for forgiveness and atoning for our "sins, or fasting on Yom Kippur to purify our souls, but rather, doing right by others. Keeping the tragedy of someone else's life in our hearts, even if that person is a complete stranger. Compassion resonates deep within our souls, and truly makes us better people, while Making a checklist of our sins doesn't make us better people, and our lists are often forgotten as quickly as we make them.

My heart lies with the family of Annie Le and Jonathan Widawsky. Like his own congregation, I will be praying for his peace of mind, happiness and strength and for that of his fiance's family. I don't know him or his family and had never met Le or her family either. Nor do I know anyone who has, and yet, I feel obligated to remember and honor their grief. To me, that is more important than my own wrongdoings. These two families are suffering more than anyone deserves. What right do I have to focus on my own flaws, when others are experiencing the unthinkable.

It is not a Shana Tova for the family of Jonathan Widawsky or Annie Le.

We Bit the Apple, after all

Oh, Michelle Obama. Even you, with your grace, intelligence, class and ethics cannot escape the shallowness that comprises our media. Never mind your work on education, never mind your eloquent nature or your Harvard and Princeton degrees, not to mention your desire to put your family first. You wore shorts getting off Air Force One. It's over. Hide yourself in a cave for the next few years, and don't emerge unless you're wearing a black suit.

Perhaps the most distressing aspect of the criticism that The First Lady is receiving for her wardrobe choice on Monday is that she's receiving criticism. She did not overstep her boundaries as the President's wife by being rude to a foreign diplomat. She wasn't seen spanking her children in public. She wore modest shorts in extreme heat. Nevertheless, the buzz this has caused is indicative of how NOT far we have come in women's lib.

We live in a male society. Women still have to fight for the same salaries, we still get criticized if we are moms AND work full time, and god forbid, we should show off our figures on the street or anywhere in public for that matter; any inappropriate comment we face or leering male eyes are our own fault. We should have known better. Men are weak, they can't control themselves, etc, etc. Who knows where this sexism really originated. It doesn't help that the basis of the oldest story in the world revolves around a woman bringing down a man by ignoring the word of God. Whether one believes in the bible or not is irrelevant---that story has founded the idea that a woman is a seductress, tread carefully.

I was always disturbed by how much Hilary Clinton was criticized for her wardrobe choices. Here was a woman who changed the role of the First Lady. She was active, brilliant, outspoken and took risks. Still is. And for this, she was labeled a bitch with no fashion sense (Even though she didn't leave her husband during the sex scandal). And here comes Michelle Obama who DOES have a sophisticated sense of fashion who pushes the envelope (supposedly) by wearing shorts and is criticized for it. The President is not and never will be faced with that issue. He is a man. After all, it doesn't matter what he wears, it matters what he does.

I have no suggestions as to how we, as a modern society and country, can rectify the focus on women's bodies and how they dress. It's more than just a vapid media obsession. It's a deeper, unsettling sign that women haven't reached equality; we are still seen, too often, as nothing more than sex objects, regardless of how devoted we are to our own families, whether its our children or our parents, regardless of how much we support our spouses and/or work for the betterment and advancement of society.

If the focus on Michelle's shorts weren't so funny, it would be pathetic.