In my personal experience, there does not seem to be a middle ground with regard to online dating—it either works, or it doesn’t. I have never heard someone say, “Well, I didn’t meet anyone special on Match.com, but it was an enriching experience, nonetheless, and I’m so glad I took the risk,” and I doubt I ever will. And yet, if I know it’s a frustrating process and there’s an excellent chance I will not meet the man I’m going to marry, why have I spent the money to join?
I truly believe in the theory that dating is a numbers game. The more one puts him or herself on the “scene,” the greater the chance of clicking with someone. And the sheer design of many internet dating sites does get one’s picture/profile in front of many people. I have been a member of both Match.com and Jdate (the Jewish dating site), and they allow their members to browse through as many profiles as they wish. There is no rigid format for contact, and I’ve been able to email or send casual “flirts” (corny, quirky come-ons that are concocted by the staff) to as many men as I want at any time. What I’ve liked about these sites is that I’m in control of how I want to go about talking to someone and/or meeting him.
Ironically enough, however, the benefits of being able to contact anyone you like can also be a drawback. There seems to be a general consensus among Edaters that rarely do the people we contact and write to write us back. No matter how much you connect with someone on paper, regardless of whether or not you meet each others’ height requirements and other inane physical attributes, and even if you have both just completed Dante’s Inferno and are looking to have a reading group duet, when you throw the stone do not expect a dent on the other party’s computer screen. This “rejection” can feel unbearably frustrating and rather mind-blowing considering how perfect you may seem for each other (even though the two of you have never actually met, and for all you know, may have even been conversing with a 10 year-old in Alaska who’s an internet prodigy).
On the flip side, there have been men who have written me who are grossly inappropriate with their behavior and/or compatibility. I received an email from a man on Match once complimenting my photos and then asking me if I shaved my ARMPITS because he found women with armpit hair SEXY. Deleted! I later found out that a friend of mine who was matching as well received a similar email from the same person. I am not making this up, folks.
Not surprisingly, the best dating advice I ever received was from my mom. She is a beautiful, intelligent middle-aged widow of ten years and met her current beau, my future stepdad, on Jdate. He is a fantastic man, but she dated many men over the years until she found the right person and always gave me an interesting perspective on the Edating scene. In reality, she has high standards for men, as do I, but she always ventured a chance with anyone who met her minimal age, height (she’s tall) and education requirements—as long as the man didn’t look like a serial killer. She never even bothered to read what they wrote since she felt most of it was made-up to sound good anyway. “Don’t get excited until you actually meet the guy, Suzanne,” she would always tell me (I learned this truth the hard way). Meeting in-person is the way to go, as long as a phone call goes reasonably well. Of course, there was a guy who told her he was living in a small rented room cluttered with his collection of electric trains. He never even got to go on a coffee date with her.
Speaking of oddballs, about a year ago, a close friend of mine started receiving bizarre emails from an older man on Jdate. She told him she wasn’t interested, but he kept writing her messages with explicit, sexual comments. When she began ignoring him, his friend actually had the gall to contact her and plead with her to give him a chance. I encouraged her to report them, and I believe she did, and that was the end of it, but it was a disturbing experience and led to her canceling her subscription.
Now don’t get me wrong--most people are not this crazy and weird. There are not many middle-aged men who live in rooms surrounded by electronic trains, and most women and men I know who have joined these sites are not harassed. I actually HAVE met many lovely people online, even if it didn’t lead to anything long-term, and I’ve had sweet, respectful, thoughtful men reach out to me.
Nonetheless, internet dating can be very stressful, so if you aren’t interested in belonging to a site where your information is open to hundreds of people, EHarmony could be a good way to go. Personally, I have never tried it, but I have friends who have, and they seem to like the fact that there is someone in the Ethersphere doing the work to set them up. This design diminishes the chance of harassment and annoying, persistent emails and IMs.
Please keep in mind that whatever site works best for you, even if it’s not one mentioned here, for there are many, people are not profiles. Chemistry on paper, via the phone or through emails does not necessarily guarantee chemistry in person, hence my mother’s encouragement to hold out on all wedding plans until you have face to face contact. And conversely, if someone is shy over the phone or doesn’t have the most attractive picture posted, he or she may be quite good-looking and extroverted in person. The simple truth is that one never knows. You don’t know until you meet someone if there is you weren’t warned.TRULY a connection. Don’t be too hasty to dismiss anybody nor should you base your interest on looks or “annual income” alone; we all know that’s a tiny part of any lasting relationship anyway. What people write is inconsequential, for it may not even be truthful.
Will you meet your next boyfriend online? Is your future wife swimming through the internet dating pool as you’re reading this? Maybe, maybe not. I know people with horror stories and ones who are madly in love with partners they met through an internet dating site. It’s worth the money to try. But if a man emails you that he’s attracted to women who don’t shave their pits, or if someone IMs you at 12 a.m. whom you have never met and wants to come over in his pajamas for a slumber party, don’t say you weren't warned.
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